Happy Christmas Eve! Remember to leave booze and tacos out for Santa tonight.
“I Saw Mommy Killed By Santa Claus”
(To the tune of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”)
I saw Mommy killed by Santa Claus,
Her muffled screams were filled with horrid fright.
His knife was thrusting deep
as she was slaughtered like a sheep,
and now my mind is fucked
up and the memory repeats.
I’ve spent twelve years now tracking Santa Claus,
Slaughtering every single look-alike.
I’ll laugh with vengeance when
his bloody guts are in my hands;
I’ll mutilate the bastard with delight.
Now I am standing over Santa Claus,
eyes darkened from years of sleepless nights.
His reindeer are all dead,
the elves are cut up in the shed,
and mortal terror’s turned his rosy cheeks so white.
I can’t even hear his pleas
while he cries on broken knees,
I swing my axe and yell,
“Die, fucker, die!”
Ash Crowlin 