As if endless Hallmark Christmas Specials weren’t enough to drive you insane, I’m sure you’ve been inundated with Mariah Carey’s “hit” Christmas song.
Personally, I think my version is better. Too bad Walmart won’t play it over their speakers on loop…
“All I Bring for Christmas (is Doom)”
(To the tune of “All I Want for Christmas (is You)”)
I don’t bring a lot for Christmas:
Pestilence and War and Greed.
Sure as Hell won’t spare the dead ones,
I dig their corpses up with glee.
I’m the one who brings the gore,
You’ve heard of me in Holy lore.
Better make some room…
All I bring for Christmas…is doom!
You can’t even save the children,
the crying little girls and boys,
I’ll light their little beds on fire,
and use their blackened bones for toys.
I don’t fear the Godly wrath,
the judgement that knocked me from Grace,
I’ll piss in sacramental wine
and toss it in His Holy Face.
I just want to watch you cry
and beg for me to let you die.
Your gift will be your tomb.
All I bring for Christmas…is doom!
I’ll find out your heart’s desires
and wreck them all in front of you,
watch you hug you crying daughters
while spiders overflow their wombs.
I won’t even spare my faithful,
killers, rapists and their kin,
I’ll peel the skin right from their bones
before the night even begins.
So go on, babes, go scream in fright,
while I mock you with delight.
What’s a devil to do?
All I bring for Christmas…is doom!
Ash Crowlin 